From “looking on the bright side” to constant reminders to “don’t worry, be happy,” most people offer up well-meaning, positive statements whenever someone they love is going through a hard time. But, sometimes, the expectation to remain positive starts to wear on people and worsen their mental health instead of improving it. When this happens, your positivity might have veered into toxic positivity.
What Is Toxic Positivity?
Put simply, toxic positivity occurs when someone puts pressure on themselves or others to only show positive emotions instead of experiencing the full range. In theory, only showing positive emotions may seem ideal and even desirable. However, almost everyone experiences fluctuations in their happiness levels, with other emotions, such as sadness or anger, coming to the forefront on some days.
When someone says something that promotes toxic positivity, the person they’re speaking to might not feel like their true emotions are welcome. In addition, they might even feel shame or guilt about not experiencing positive emotions on a regular basis. Further, if someone is depressed or feeling anxious, being told to just “be happier” may cause them to feel like their conversation partner is dismissing their emotions and not interested in their less-than-happy experiences.
Where Does Toxic Positivity Come From?
The expectation to remain positive can come from almost anywhere. For many people, the expectation to hide negative emotions starts young. Parents often work to curb emotional outbursts in children, often with good intentions and for good reasons (you can’t exactly have a temper tantrum in Costco as a 35 year-old, no matter how angry you’re feeling!). However, some parents also introduce the idea of bottling up emotions and praise children for being quiet and happy rather than when they display any of the other emotions.
Likewise, most people find negative emotions easier to ignore than to face. So, people may only choose to hang out with other people who put on happy faces and reject those who “bring down the mood.” Many people also reject the parts of themselves that feel negative emotions, repressing them in favor focusing on happiness.
In addition, social media has perpetuated toxic positivity in a way that not many other developments have. After all, most people present only positive parts of their lives on social media. In turn, their friends or followers see them and assume that this must just be what their life is like all the time. When the viewers compare themselves to the perfect posts, they feel like they may have failed somehow because their lives aren’t perfectly happy all the time.
Finally, even therapists can accidentally encourage toxic positivity sometimes. Many recommend positive thinking as a way to combat negative thoughts, and they’re not wrong. However, context becomes key in these situations because while some of their clients may need to concentrate on something other than their negative thoughts, others are so steeped in toxic positivity that it’s healthier for them to let their thoughts breathe.
How to Tell If You’re Using Toxic Positivity
Toxic positivity isn’t ill-intentioned, and most people use it at some point in their lives. But knowing how to spot it comes in handy, especially because if you know what to look for, you know what not to say to yourself or other people!
Here are some common signs of toxic positivity:
- Always or often encouraging people to look on the bright side or minimizing emotions (“Look at all the other wonderful things in your life!”)
- Experiencing discomfort when people express negative emotions
- Using positive statements in the hope that they will shut down further discussions of the negative emotions
- Ignoring struggles, thinking it’s best to just “move on” from them
- Dancing around difficult conversations
- Forcing yourself to always put on a happy face, or feeling upset when other people don’t put on the same happy face
How to Be Positive Without Using Toxic Positivity: 5 Steps
1. Stop Diminishing Negative Feelings
When a negative feeling crops up, either for you or for a friend, resist the urge to turn it into a positive situation. Instead, take a deep breath and allow yourself to be in the moment. Intuitively tune in to your feelings. If you’re with a friend, get curious about how these feelings impact them.
As it turns out, letting people talk about their negative feelings and staying present in the conversation with them actually makes them feel better!
2. Offer Your Support
Once you’ve connected with your friends’ negative emotions, offer them some support in whatever way you can. This might involve asking what you can do for them or even just telling them, “Please, feel free to call me if you’re ever struggling with this again.
Offering support makes people feel more hopeful, and it shows that with you, all emotions are welcome
You can also offer support to yourself when you’re feeling the pressure to remain positive. Some of examples may include:
- Doing a favorite activity
- Journaling
- Eating your favorite food
- Getting enough sleep, eating balanced meals, and exercising
3. Get Comfortable with Your Own Emotions
In a healthy atmosphere, people should feel free to experience their emotions without having the pressure to only be happy all the time. Still, unworking years (or even decades) of social conditioning to be happy can take some time.
So, you may want to start by getting comfortable with your own emotions. Every day, set aside some time to get comfortable, scan your body, and notice any emotions that come up. Learn as much as you can about why you’re feeling what you’re feeling, and allow yourself to sit with those emotions for a bit.
Next, come up with ways to help you cope with your emotions if you can’t always express them at every hour of the day. For example, people who get stressed at work might find that exercising afterward helps them discharge that negative energy without ignoring it.
Addressing Toxic Positivity
If you find your negative emotions are too much for you to handle, consider speaking with a mental health professional. They will help you process what you’re feeling and get you to a mentally healthier spot.
Addressing toxic positivity may seem tough at first, but it leads to you creating a space where all your emotions (and your friends’ emotions) are welcome. If you’re looking for help handling your hard emotions, check out our piece on teletherapy!
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