The 7 Trauma Bonding Stages (And How to Break the Cycle)

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Healthy relationships have a certain cadence. Although two people may have their ups and downs, they generally view one another as reliable and consistent in demeanor and affection, without wildly dramatic swings. If your relationship has a lot of dramatic swings between loving and dismissive or abusive, you might be experiencing the trauma bonding stages without knowing it. There are 7 trauma bonding stages, and correctly identifying them helps you determine whether you’re in a healthy relationship or not.

Put simply, a trauma bond refers to a dynamic in which an abuser holds power over the abused person in a way that makes it difficult (emotionally, logistically, or both) for the abused person to leave. Trauma bonds can occur in any relationship and are universally unhealthy. However, the majority of extremely hurtful trauma bonds occur with somebody close to the victim, such as a partner, parent, or roommate. Once we’ve described the 7 trauma bonding stages, we’ll get into how you can successfully navigate your way out of the situation you’re in.

The 7 Trauma Bonding Stages

Stage 1: Love Bombing

love bombing trauma bonding stages — Photo by Markus Winkler on Unsplash

Very few abusive relationships start out as openly and obviously harmful. In fact, on the surface, they appear extremely loving as the abusive person attempts to generate closeness with the abused person. Referred to as love bombing, these actions facilitate emotional or logistical dependence on the abuser, setting the stage for future abuse and qualifying it as the earliest of the trauma bonding stages. Love bombing can look like sending lavish or many gifts to the person, paying them a lot of compliments, or demanding or giving near-constant attention.

Of course, some of this may sound like what people do in the early stages of a relationship anyway. Here’s how to tell the difference: the actions/statements feel too grand or premature for the relationship, or (in an established relationship) they come after someone has hurt you as an attempt to rebuild your trust.

Stage 2: Trust and Dependency

trust scrabble word trauma bonding stages — Photo by Alex Shute on Unsplash

The abuser spends time trying to gain the trust of the other person and tries to make them dependent on the abuser in some way. Usually, the excessive niceness in the love bombing stage helps rebuild the trust. Then, the abuser might also build dependence in other ways, such as making the other person financially dependent on them or isolating them from their friends and family.

Stage 3: Criticism and Devaluation

signs of trauma bonding woman disapproval no bad rejection thumbs down — Photo by Vitaly Gariev on Unsplash

Once stage 3 of the trauma bonding stages arrives, the abuser’s behavior begins to shift. Instead of consistent warmth, they get colder and start making subtle or overt insults. They may also physically or sexually abuse their victims. Over time, this erodes the other person’s self-esteem and may increase their dependence on the abuser for approval.

Stage 4: Gaslighting and Manipulation

As the abuse continues, the victim may become emboldened to speak up about it. When they bring the concern to the abuser’s attention, the abuser may try to twist their words or the truth to get them to doubt reality. This is referred to as “gaslighting” and is considered a form of abuse. Abusers might cry or tell the victim that they made them feel bad or somehow brought about their own abuse. The victim then learns to doubt their own reactions.

Stage 5: Resignation

As time goes on, the victim becomes tired of constantly having to fight with the abuser and defend themselves. They might give up and resign themselves to the understanding that this is how life is. In stage 5 of the trauma bonding stages, many people become more passive.

Stage 6: Loss of Self

self trauma bonding — Photo by Jon Tyson on Unsplash

Over time, the victim may feel like they’ve lost their sense of self. By the time this trauma stage shows up, the abuser has usually isolated the victim from most other people, and the victim has either lost joy in their hobbies or been prevented from participating in them. The majority of the victim’s life and self-perception is controlled by the abuser.

Stage 7: Emotional Addiction

range of emotions trauma bonding stages — Photo by Joanne Glaudemans on Unsplash

In the later trauma bonding stages, the abused person might feel so low, they crave the highs of the love bombing stage. Unfortunately, these stages tend to cycle and repeat. Just when the abused person feels like they can’t take it any more and are ready to be done, the abuser swoops in again with the love bombing, giving them the affection they desire. As a result, the abused person might feel as if they’ve become emotionally addicted to the abuser.

Breaking the Trauma Bonding Stages: Getting Out

If you recognize these trauma bonding stages in your relationship, you’re probably wondering how you can get out of them. The answer will vary widely from person-to-person depending on their personal situation. After all, someone in a financially-dependent relationship with an abuser is able to leave less easily than someone in a friendship with one.

First, focus on your physical safety. The most dangerous time for someone in an abusive relationship is when they’re about to leave, so plan your escape well. Have a trusted friend come help you if you can. Make sure you have enough money saved up in a separate bank account from your abuser so you can survive on your own. If you can safely do so, reach out ot a local support group for abuse survivors.

Next, consider speaking to a therapist who specializes in trauma and abusive relationships. The right counselor will listen as you talk out your concerns and may even be able to provide you with tailored recommendations and resources in your area. They can also help you process the difficult emotions that come from leaving someone you may still care about. Need to find a trauma bonding therapist? Here’s some helpful information on how to find trauma bonding therapy that’s right for you.

Beyond the Trauma Bond

Trauma bonds are common and impactful. If you’ve found yourself in a trauma-bonded situation, be kind to yourself. There’s nothing you did to ask for your abuse. You were likely just a person who wanted a deep and caring human connection, as we all do.

As you navigate life beyond the trauma bonding stages, be sure to do a lot of self-care. Reconnect with your passions, hobbies, and old friends (or make new ones). Even though the road out of the trauma bond might prove challenging, it’s also full of a brand new life waiting for you!