The different relationship attachment styles say a lot about ourselves as individuals. However, it also plays a vital role in how we build relationships with others. Whether it’s romantic, familial, or even platonic, understanding attachment styles is crucial in creating healthy relationships.
What Are Relationship Attachment Styles?
In the simplest terms, an attachment style is how you emotionally bond or connect with others. It influences how you express your needs, respond to conflicts, and handle intimacy.
Attachment styles are often referenced when discussing attachment theory. This framework was developed by psychiatrist John Bowlby, who suggested that our attachment styles are shaped by our childhood experiences. And while our early experiences influence our attachment styles, our relationships will others throughout life continue to evolve them.
Mary Ainsworth further expanded on Bowlby’s research by identifying the first three attachment styles – secure, anxious, and avoidant. The fourth style, disorganized attachment, was introduced several years later by Mary Main and Judith Solomon.
The 4 Different Relationship Attachment Styles
Secure Attachment
Those with a secure attachment style feel comfortable with emotional intimacy and getting close to others. Not only can they depend on their partners, but they can also trust them openly and fully. People with this style of attachment generally have stable and fulfilling relationships.
This attachment style is enforced in childhood when caregivers fulfill a baby’s emotional and physical needs. As a result, the children are securely attached to and even calmed by their primary caregiver.
Common traits:
- Good balance between independence and relationships
- Can communicate effectively
- Can handle conflict effectively
- Feels secure within and outside of a relationship
Anxious Attachment
People with an anxious attachment style tend to seek constant reassurance in their relationships. They may fear being abandoned or rejected by their partners, which can cause self-doubt and emotional ups and downs.
Anxious attachment is developed when children don’t get consistent care from their primary caregiver. They never know what to expect, which can lead to heightened anxiety when it comes to attention.
Common traits:
- Overthinks situations and interactions
- Can be clingy
- Feels insecure with distant or unresponsive partner
Avoidant Attachment
Those with an avoidant attachment are generally uncomfortable with closeness and intense emotional intimacy. They may struggle to express their emotions or avoid emotional situations altogether.
People with this style have likely not been given enough emotional support as a child or baby. As such, the child learns not to rely on others for their care.
Common traits:
- Values independence over relationship building
- Avoids deep conversations and expressing emotions
- Difficulty with vulnerability
- Can withdraw in intense situations
Disorganized Attachment
People with disorganized attachment show traits from both the anxious and avoidant styles. While they may crave closeness with others, they fear getting hurt and therefore push people away.
This is shaped in the early years when children view their caregivers as a source of comfort and fear. Having this confusion and unpredictability tends to lead to a disorganized attachment style.
Common traits:
- Inability to trust others
- Fears getting close
- Experiences emotional ups and downs
- Can send mixed signals to others
How to Improve Your Attachment Style to Strengthen Relationships
Although your attachment style is influenced by your early experiences, it doesn’t mean that it (or you) can’t change. With a few simple steps, you can work on healthier habits to start building better relationships with others.
Have Self-Awareness
The first thing you’ll want to do is to identify your attachment style. It’s perfectly normal to feel confused or even upset with the outcome. But remember, your attachment style is not set in stone. Learning more about your emotional triggers and how you respond to intimacy is the first step toward improvement.
Challenge Yourself and Your Thought Patterns
It’s easy to fall into the habit of certain negative thoughts. But instead of giving in to those beliefs, you should challenge yourself to reframe your approach. Instead of thinking “They aren’t responding so they don’t love me,” try “They might be busy at the moment.” Or instead of “Getting close to someone will only lead to disappointment,” think “Being vulnerable is the key to a stronger relationship”.
Enforce Your Secure Behaviors
Your goal should be to work towards the traits of a secure attachment style. Take note of these healthy behaviors and do your best to incorporate them into your thoughts and actions. That means trying to:
- Have more honest and open communication
- Maintain a balance between independence and relationships
- Work with your partner in a conflict instead of against them
- Grow your self-confidence and secure inner voice
It may also be beneficial to surround yourself with people who are securely attached. Their actions may influence your own mindset and how you approach your relationships!
Work with a Professional
Therapy or counseling can be an invaluable tool for those struggling with their attachment style. Not only can a professional help you navigate your past experiences, but they can also work with you to develop healthier patterns.
Learn on Your Own
Doing more research on attachment styles or attachment theory is great for personal growth. There are tons of resources out there to deepen your understanding of how relationships are influenced by such patterns. From workbooks to relationship advice, these tools can provide more insight into developing a healthier and more secure relationship.
Improve Your Relationships
Understanding relationship attachment styles can help you build stronger connections with yourself and with others. Whether you’re stuck in a toxic relationship or trying to figure out why you’re unhappy, knowing about attachment theory can be useful. As long as you are willing to work towards healthier habits and behaviors, you can reshape how you interact with others. After all, stable relationships start with a strong sense of self. If you’re self-aware and willing to change, you
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