As humans, we’re fundamentally relational creatures. In order to survive (and, hopefully, thrive), we seek out connections with others. While many connections offer us a safe place to be ourselves, though, some cause harm. In some cases, an abuser forms a trauma bond with a person, making them feel dependent on their abuser. Trauma bonds happen in all sorts of relationships. The person you share this bond with might serve as your partner, your parent, or even your friend. Fortunately, psychologists have identified 7 stages of trauma bonding. Knowing them will help you break the cycle of abuse and leave your toxic relationships behind.
The 7 Stages of Trauma Bonding
Before you start out on this journey, take a deep breath. Breaking off a trauma bond isn’t easy, but it’s necessary if you want to regain your life. To help you along the way, trauma experts have published books on recovery.
Love Bombing
Usually, we hear the phrase “love bombing” in reference to cults and other high-control groups. These entities use love bombing as a means to draw people in. But ordinary people also have the capacity to love bomb someone.
Love bombing commonly refers to someone showering someone else with attention, compliments, gifts, or other forms of expressing affection. As a result, the recipient develops warm feelings toward the person.
Note: none of these actions are inherently bad by themselves. However, an abusive person uses them to lure people in and make them trust them. Once the person is “in,” the abuser starts emotionally, physically, verbally, or financially abusing them. When the abused person complains, they simply point to the love bombing (or start it up again) to “prove” they’re a good person.
Dependency and Trust
Next, abusive people go out of their way to put the other person’s trust and dependency on them to the test. When the other person comes to have doubts, they make them feel guilty about having them.
To do this, the abuser blames the other person for not taking into account or being grateful for everything they did in the love bombing stage. The goal: for the other person to then replace their doubts with unwarranted trust.
Gaslighting
“Gaslighting” is another term that people often throw around. Clinically, gaslighting serves as a form of psychological abuse. While gaslighting, one person causes another to doubt their perceptions of reality. For example, a person who has had an extramarital affair may blame the cheating on their spouse.
Once the person undergoing the gaslight breaks, the abuser may appear collected and surprisingly calm again.
Resignation
Over time, the abused person starts to realize that giving in will produce less conflict than fighting. As such, they begin to fawn over the abuser. Fawning consists of any behavior that pleases the abuser, and most people do it to keep the relationship less tumultuous.
However, the abuser wants the other person to become dependent on them. So, without realizing it, the person who fawns often ends up more dependent on this person in order to keep the peace.
Losing Self
Unfortunately, abusive relationships often cause people to put down their boundaries and lose touch with the lives they led beforehand. As a result, they commonly lose their sense of self.
Worse, this shift in their perception of their identity often causes them to lose their social circle. This isolation makes the person even more dependent on their abuser.
Those struggling to regain their sense of self may benefit from this book on boundaries.
It Cycles
The stages often don’t happen just one time. In fact, many abusers drag their victims through the stages over and over again. For example, after a large conflict, the abuser may start the love bombing process over in order to not lose the person’s trust. As a result, the victim receives the illusion that the abuser loves them and they have control.
Getting Help
If you find yourself in one of the 7 stages of a trauma bond, you’ll want to consider getting professional help. Remember, you’re not alone in this journey. In fact, millions of other people have experienced abuse in some form.
If you’re in physical danger, reach out to 911, a friend, a family member, or a shelter. Getting yourself away from the situation allows you to work through it in a safer manner.
What if the abuse is causing a mental health crisis? Call 988. This emergency line employs operators trained to handle mental health crises and get you the services you need.
Next, talk therapy comprises the most effective way to process trauma. Look for a licensed counselor who specializes in abusive relationships.
For young children in this situation, seek out a trauma-informed play therapist who can help them process their emotions. After all, children process the world through play, so play therapy serves as one of the most effective models for them. Teens can see a talk therapist just like adults.
Know of children in an abusive situation? Contact 911 or Child Protective Services (CPS) and report all the information you know.
Take Care of Yourself
Dealing with the 7 stages of a trauma bond is a long and hard process. So, don’t fault yourself for the things that have happened to you! Most of your coping mechanisms, including fawning, came about because you were trying to survive. Allow yourself to appreciate the fact that you’re resilient, and tell yourself “None of this is my fault.”
If you want to experience more calm during this journey, check out some of our other mental health tips!
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